2 months post-op.

Well, it certainly has been a while. I sort of forgot that I wanted to keep track of things. Some updates. Things are healing nicely, I think. I have nothing to gage this with. I thought I was doing very poorly until I saw photos of someone else's' post surgery incisions and swelling. I still am having a hard time wrapping my head around the alteration of my physique.

Okay, so here is the big thing. I totally screwed up with the dates of my recovery. My PS told me NOT to do any lifting, heavy exercise, or bike riding for 6-8 weeks. So, I miscalculated. I got on my bike at one day under 4 weeks. I had promised my friends that I would not do this. I am not sure how I miscalculated, but I did. I fear this may have aggravated things. It is so important to take it easy after the surgery. It is a major surgery, there is a lot of healing that needs to take place. So, where it gets even more ridiculous, after I had discovered my mistake, I keep riding my bike. I believe this has contributed to my illness now. I have been living fully again, riding a lot, carrying heavy back-packs around, basically aggravating my wounds. My body feels as if it wants to shut down. I am so drained all the time.

I am also rather worried about being out in public, but mostly just about being around drunk people. I went to see a friend perform the other evening and felt very protective of my chest. This makes sense, as there could still be complications.

I am still extremely happy about having this surgery. I have this really strong desire to ask women what size cup they wear, and have only recently stopped walking around holding my new boobs. My clothes look and feel so much better. The swelling is going down enough now that I am starting to look normal again.

So, doctor's orders. I have been reading so many different after-care instructions. These were my PS' suggestions to me. The no heavy lifting thing for 6-8 weeks. I wore a splint for the first week (pictured below), I could not get my incisions wet for two weeks. My final stitches came out at around 2 weeks. I still had the dissolving stitches, that may just poke out. He stated very clearly, DO NOT pull on these, as you may do damage. Makes sense. I have to wear my sports bra day and night for 3 months. At first this seemed ridiculous, but I am rather thankful for the support now. When I take my bra off to wash it, I start to feel the scars/incisions strecthing slightly and am not comfortable with this.

And on another note all together, many have asked me if I am transitioning. Well, the answer is yes and no. I am not doing a full transition, as I do not feel as if I belong to either side entirely. This surgery has put me closer in the middle, which is where I am most comfortable. So, in a sense, without taking away from what folks go thorough to transition, I have gone through a half-top surgery. It is hard to express this.

Splint worn for one week.

16 days Post-Op

Okay, so things seem to be moving along quite rapidly. I got my stitches out last Thursday. I was squeamish to say the least. I could not shower for another day still, could not put on aloe until Monday(today) and have to wear my sports bra 24/7 for three months. I am actually quite grateful for the sports bra as I am very uncomfortable when I shower unsupported. So, this is what I want to address today.

I had a panic attack in the shower today. I started freaking out about the surgery. It did mot sink in until today. I think because today was the first day I really took a close look. It is amazing how afraid I am of my chest now. I do not like going out in public in case of some freak accident where I somehow have a shopping cart ram into my unsuspecting chest, opening up wounds and having them spill all over the dirty road. I know it is a far stretch, my anxiety is intense, that is why it is classified as a disorder.

I was allowed to put the aloe on my incisions today and felt close to tears while doing this. Admittedly, I am over tired and there was construction in the next room. My breast do not seem like they are mine. I am super happy about them being smaller, I haven't any regrets, and this is not a vanity issue. I just see my chest and it looks so wounded. I have bruising all along the underneath, which has taken on a blackened color. Everything seems like it is not normal.

Logically, I know that everything is going exceptionally well. My PS told me I was healing quite well and I just need to learn how to take it easy.

One thing that I have noticed is that my skin is uncharacteristically dry. All over.

I feel tired and restless.

10 days post-op.

I am having a hard time sitting at the computer typing away. Some updates. My surgery went well. I had to wear a splint for a week, which was uncomfortable, but I am really appreciative of it. I believe it helped keep the swelling at bay, as well as my chest in tact. The problems were that it cut of my breathing slightly, as well as was itchy as anything. The splint came off a week after the surgery. I had not seen my chest prior to this. I was laying on the table, nervous, as my PS removed the large wrap. He told me not to look until he said it was okay. The removal of the bandages seem to be extremely painful, but I think it may have had something to do with not knowing what was going on. It is really strange to have someone pulling tape off in this situation. I kept expecting the incisions to open up. That has been my biggest problem. I have an anxiety disorder and an over active imagination. There were many a nights spent awake, imagining the worst going on under the bandages.

So, my doctor finally had me sit up, and instructed my to hold the gauze over my areiolas while him and the nurse helped me get into my sports bra. He told me I could look at that time as well. The first thing I noticed was my hands shaking like crazy. Then it dawned on me that my hands was the first thing I noticed. Not my over developed bosom. Tears sprung up to my eyes, I glanced up at my PS, grinning like a fool, looking back down, exclaiming, "those are my boobs. They are so small!!" I almost hyperventilated. It is unbelievable to see myself with a small chest. I have been large for over half of my life. The sleepless nights, the uncomfortable week, the nausea, the upheaval of normality, it is all worth it. I can hardly move and yet my movement is already less inhibited. I can't wait to be healed enough to cross my arms!

One thing I have noticed a significant difference is in my Arnica intake. I ran out of the capsule/granules, and I felt a dramatic difference in my overall health. My body really started to feel the ache of the surgery. I would strongly recommend taking Boiron Arnica Montana pellets. To be honest, I have not tried any others, but these capsules are fantastic. I had no idea how much they were doing until I ran out of them. I have the gel for when the sports bra comes off and my incisions are closed.

I have to wear the sports bra for a week, then I go in top get the rest of my stitchs out. I am very excited. It is a strange thing to change your body shape such as this. It takes a bit to wrap my head around.

2 days post-op

I was released today from the hospital. It is so nice to be out of the. I am still wrapped with cotton and tensor bandages, so I have no idea how things look. I am a guest at someone else's house. My friends are taking care of me for a few days.

I am not really in any pain, but I have to keep myself fropm doing to much. My plastic surgeon is great. When I have more time/energy, I will tell the full story.

5 1/2 HOURS TO GO!!!!!!

Holy crap. I am so anxious and excited. I have been trying to get everything organized before I go in tomorrow morning. I had to shower with anaseptic soap this evening, and I have to do it before I go in tomorrow morning. I cannot believe how soon this is. Three years of waiting, down to 51/2 hours.

A friend of mine got me Arnica gel. Apperantly the gel is better than the creams or lotions because it does not have any additives to make it creamy or pretty or anything.

I have been taking photos of my chest to compare for when the surgery is over. It is amazing how different the sizing is between the two of them. I cannot believe I had not noticed that before. One hangs down at least three quarters of an inch lower than the other one. So crazy.

I wonder how soon after the surgery I will start correcting my posture.

off to pack.'

still 2 days pre-op.

On my gmail personalized page, I get daily "how-to's". They are usually pretty funny. The one that popped up today is priceless. How to Make a Bra Purse.

enjoy.

2 days pre-op.

Holy crud is it ever approaching quickly. I lost an entire day yesterday due to intense menstrual cramps for which I could not take my medication. The extend of the pain caused nausea. Such fun.

Well, I think I am almost ready to go into the hospital. I have to pack two different bags. The e hospital is keeping me for two days. After that, two of my friend are taking me in for an undisclosed amount of time to take care of me. Fantastic. I cannot believe how nice my friends are.

I finally got my post-op bra today. Very exciting. It was actually harder to find the proper bra as my doctor gave me a strict description to stick to. A sports bra, pull over, no underwire, no "bells and whistles" (nurse's words), a size down from my sizing now (to compensate for swelling), and it has to be brand new, as in not stretched. I think if I had to do it over, I would start looking sooner.

I have also cut salt and garlic out of my diet. I use a lot of salt and garlic usually, so it is rather difficult.

I have washed all of my laundry. I am getting all of my affairs in order. I am preparing enough cat food to last a month (hopefully). I am trying to get prepared fully. There is a thought in the back of my mind that I am forgetting something big.

I called the hospital today to find out about pain killers for post-op, but apparently the doctor does not prescribe them usually. Apparently this is a pain-free operation. How is that? They are going to cut me open, scoop out some innards, detach and re-attach my areolas, and it is going to be pain-free? I hate to say it, but I am skeptical. I will keep you informed regarding the pain.

Well, I guess that is all. My thought process is completly jumbled right now as I am getting wound up. I can hardly wait. I fear I may not sleep at all until I am put out for the surgery. The uhm, uh, pain-free surgery.

later.

Four days Pre-Op.

One of the major perks that I have been excited about in regards to this surgery was getting away from the dreaded underwire. I hate underwire bras with a passion, plus they are unhealthy. Something I have known for years and yet cannot do much about it. If I go without underwire, than there is more pain. So, today, I went bra shopping with a friend to get my post-surgery sports bra, and do some cup sizing, to psych myself up.

The thing is this, 98% of all the bras I saw, in five different stores, contained underwire! In all sizes! It is ridiculous. Most sports bras had underwire as well. In all sizes. I thought that large breasted women suffered alone in the underwire phenomena, but no, it has invaded everywhere. And so many bras are padded. I am starting to understand the amount of women who suffer through surgery and poor health to increase their size. Just about every chest garment for women is meant to increase size and re-shape your breasts. What the hell is wrong with the shape of women's breast? Why are women putting up with this? I know, I know, the bra issue seems like a small one. But I also know that an uncomfortable bra is a major distraction, taking my mind away form more productive thought process. The amount of time that women are made to browse for a bra is ridiculous.

I was looking forward to the days of painfree bra shopping. Of trying on bras without being close to tears as I try to stuff my poor boobs into wired cups that I inevitably spill out of. Sure of some conspiracy that "they" are changing the cup sizes every year, because there is no fucking way I am larger than a double D. Seeing myself in the full length mirror looking like a stuffed sausage, and knowing it will just get worse after I put on the re-enforced tank top to hold it all together. And than maybe, if the day is just right, I will be able to button my shirt up.

Like I said, I was looking forward to those days. Then I began to understand that it will still be a struggle, that I will still have to search for the function bra. The one that just holds me in place, that doesn't try to enhance me or shape me. Maybe, if I am very lucky, I will be able to manage the situation with a simple re-enforces tank top. That would be lovely indeed.

6 Days Pre-Op.

Well, the time is getting closer and I find myself less consumed by the surgery. I spoke to the receptionist at my PS's office, and she told me that I was getting 400 grams off the left and 500 off the left. I am scheduled to go down to a B - small C. I really hope it is a small B. I will be talking to the surgeon soon. The receptionist was so amazing to talk to. She assured me that everything would go well. She was very chatty and willing to answer any questions. I also found out today that I will be getting a Lift as well as the reduction, which is kind of hilarious. Apparently the PS does it as an extra-special treat. Have I mentioned that this will be covered?

So, some things I would like to clear up. I have been waiting for this surgery for almost three years now. During that time, people have tried to talk me out of it. The thing is this, if I did not feel that this was my only option left, I would not do it. The last thing I want to do is put my body through major surgery. I have been considering the surgery for a decade now. I researched for a long time before consulting with my family doctor. People have made suggestions to me, and although they are just well wishers, I am tired of justifying what I am doing.

Some of the suggestions with my responses:

1)Why don't you just exercise?
I am very fit. I do exercise, I actually have a lot of muscle mass. I have very large pectoral muscles under my breasts. I have tried the exercise route for years. Does not work.

2) Why not just get a better bra?
Well, I am tired of wearing underwire for 12-18 hours a day, and it gets expensive. I am also tired of having to sleep in a bra. As well as find a bra-bathing costume. I am sick of having to wear a bra.

3) Why don't you diet?
Cause I am not fat. And even if I were, does that mean that I have to suffer?

This is the thing. I am in a lot of pain most of the time. Sometimes, the pain is so much I can hardly breathe. I have to sleep with a pillow supporting my chest, otherwise my ribcage caves in slightly and I spend hours trying to crack it open. My shoulders have indents in them. I have scars underneath my boobs. I have permanent sore muscles in my shoulders, I hunch, my arms go numb if I wear a bra for too long. Every time I breathe deeply my back cracks, right between my shoulder blades. I am uncomfortable, in pain, and unable to ride my bike 3-4 days each month.

Although I am not really that large, my breast are very heavy. I have gotten to a point in my life where I can accept the way I look, I am just tired of the pain and frustration of having to support the girls any longer.

Besides, wearing underwire bras isn't a healthy option.

Gearing up. -or- 7 days pre-op.

I went to my pre-operative appointment today. It was basically for blood work and discussing surgery expectations with the head OR nurse.

Last evening I could not sleep at all. I was afraid to take any sort of thing for it even though it is all homeopathic in nature. I am amazed now at the things I was afraid of before my appointment.

I read somewhere that garlic would thin my blood, and so it is to be avoided 1-2 weeks prior to surgery. This was a tad distressing as I eat at least 3-4 fair sized cloves a day. When I asked the nurse, she informed me that it was okay to eat it, just stay away from the garlic pills. I have decided to cut back regardless.

I have also cut back on my coffee intake. I had (painfully) stopped for a couple of days, but the nurse confirmed for me today that it would not be hazourdous to drink coffee.

Before going to the hospital today, I was extremely anxious. One of my concerns is getting down to an acceptable size. When I talked to my plastic surgeon (ps), he told me that he would make me a size that fit my body. I want to go smaller than that. I am not concerned with my size being proportionate to my body. And I do not mind it anything looks odd in the end. As long as it isn't noticeable under a t-shirt. As long as it does not draw attention when I am clothed. I am fortunate in that aspect because I am immersed in such a supportive community in that sense.

When I went to check in, the admitting nurse told me that my PS would not be there. I went into a small panic. This was later resolved when the Head Nurse assured me that my PS would come to talk to me the morning of the surgery, and that we would discuss sizing. She also told me that he is the best in the Maritimes, and that is the third time I have heard that. I can also call the office if I need more reassurance. I have been waiting for 2 1/2 years for this appointment, but I am very willing to walk out if I can not go small enough.

If this is the case, I can always go back to Ontario where the waiting list is apparently a lot shorter.

Anyways, after talking to the HN for an hour, I felt much more confident. She was funny and she told me she would more than likely be on the floor with me when I go in for my surgery.

I went to a store afterwards, went to the bra section and looked at different cup sizes. I think that is when it hit me the hardest. I was so ecstatic I could hardly breathe. You know that kind of "I can't stop grinning" kind of look. I look crazy when I get that excited, but I could not help it.

Starting Off

Tomorrow I go in for my pre-operative appointment. I cannot sleep. This does not surprise me as I often suffer from insomnia.

The basics. I am 32 years old. As the title states, I am about to under go breast reduction surgery. I have been on the waiting list for three years now. My surgery is being covered by the government as it is considered a health issue. I am presently a 34dd. I want to go down to nothing, but that is another issue all together. I am hoping to go to an a or b cup. I will find out tomorrow.

so many things are running through my mind right now. I really thought that three years would be enough time to prepare, but I am still very frightened. I keep thinking I will not survive the surgery. Although the chances of not surviving are slim. I am very healthy. I also have very good friends that are going to be helping me out.

Tomorrow I meet with my plastic surgeon again. I haven't seen him since my second appointment with him. He seemed nice, kind and what not. He does not frighten me. My regular doctor referred me to him. She said he was the best in the business. I trust my doctor enough to steer me in the right direction.

I once meet with a doctor when I was seventeen about getting a reduction. He told me my breasts were very lovely and that I should reconsider. I left sad and afraid. I did not know what my rights were back then.

I am going into this surgery well informed. I have thought it out and although I am hella nervous, I am very excited as well. I am hoping to keep this journal, not only for myself, but maybe someone else will stumble upon it and find it useful.

In the next few days I will be filling in the details of what brought me here. I am also hoping to compile a list of on-line resources and lists as I have seen previously. These have always been helpful to me.

till next time.